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Naughty Nature: 9 Ways Nature Will Make You Blush on Valentine's Day

by Kaylee Brzezinski February 02, 2022 4 min read

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For Valentine's Day 2022, Take a Walk on the Wild Side

Get on with your bad self, Mother Natch! Maybe we just have our heads in the gutter, but we've noticed that nature can be prettynaughty sometimes. And as your favorite tree-planting organization, we spend a LOT of time thinking about the great outdoors. So it seems, ahem, fitting, that we highlight the many ways nature can be sexy for Valentine's Day. Got you feeling some kind of way? Let this be your cue to look deep within and figure out if you're ecosexual (we'll explain later). 😉🌿

Warning: This article may be NSFW ;)

Join Us As We Dive Deep Into All of the Ways Nature Gets Naughty

1. Geoducks: The Peen of the Sea's a clam. The world's largest burrowing clam, to be exact. And with necks that extend as long as a baseball bat, they can get BIG! This clam is considered a culinary delicacy and is primarily eaten raw. Some say that it resembles an elephant's trunk, but we know what you're really thinking: it looks like a... prehistoric earthworm.

Fun fact!  Located off the coasts of Western Canada + the Pacific Northwest, Geoducks can be found in the Puget Sound. Aaaaand we just happen to be planting trees there for our Orca Project. So if you want to benefit these, ahem, monoliths, we can help with that!

2. Diego: The Tortoise, The Myth, The Legend

Age is just a number and this handsome 100-year-old tortoise named Diego proves it! Scientists believe that out of the 2,000 tortoises on Española Island in the Galapagos, 40% are descendants of Diego. He was a busy boy! Diego was part of a conservation-minded breeding program established to help increase his species' population numbers. And among the males in this study, he quickly made waves thanks to his above-average sex drive. His success has afforded him an early retirement, although we have a feeling he'd be happy to come back to "work" anytime — you know, for conservation reasons.

3. Ecosexuality: the Loving Way to Fight Climate Change

Thanks to increased awareness about nature and climate change, ecosexuality has experienced a rise in popularity in recent years. Despite this, there's no solid definition of what it means to be ecosexual. Anyway, you're here for the dirty details. Am I right?

For some, it means choosing an eco-friendly condom brand, while others might get a bit turned on by rubbing soil all over their bodies. There's even been talk of people getting intimate with trees. We aren't here to judge —  love is love so long as you're being a sweet and kind lover to mama nature.

4. Let's Do it, Ride it, My Pona (Palm Tree)

The pona plam tree (iriartea deltoidea) can be found in Central and South America. And for reasons we can't quite put our finger on, it's nickname is "penis tree". Can't imagine why!! Okay, yes we can. Obviously, it gets its nickname from the distinctive roots that grow out of the trunk. These are called stilt or buttress roots and many trees have them, it's just that not many trees can boast such a phallic display. Buttress roots help gather nutrients and protect trees from falling over in areas with very shallow soil. And if you ask us, that's a pretty clever solution!

5. Everyone's Favorite Forest Vulva

Whoever named this flower really chickened out. The Moccasin Flower — or Pink Lady's Slipper — can be found growing in mixed hardwood coniferous forests in the northeastern United States and parts of Canada. Here's one description that pretty much says it all:

"Pink Lady's Slippers are pollinated by bees that enter the flower through the slit in the front of the pouch."Seems like someone could be tip-toeing around the fact that this flower looks like a...comfortable slipper 😁

6. Pine Cone Sex

Pine trees have weird sex... And now that we've got your attention, let's just say it's all in the cones — of which they have both male and female. Male pine cones are pollen bearing, while female cones are seed producing. In the springtime, wind carries pollen from the male to female pine cones, whose scales open to receive it, then close back up and do their thing. Depending on the species, some cones open at maturity to produce seeds, while others eventually rot and release their seeds that way. Either way, sounds like a nice and equal distribution of parental responsibilities.. 😏

7. Big Barnacle Energy

Yes, you read that right. It turns out that the unassuming barnacle has the largest, ahem, phallus, comparative to body size in theentireanimal kingdom. In fact, these well-endowed sea creatures can shape shift and extend their members up to 8x their body length. As sessile (fixed in one place) creatures, the longer and more flexible they are, the better chance they have at finding a mate. And shapeshifting comes in handy when navigating ahem...roughwaters!

8. Stamen Power

Don't let their bright colors and delicate petals fool you: flowers get up to some pretty kinky stuff! In fact, while humans love to admire flowers, they aren't nearly as innocent as they seem. Although flowers themselves aren't technicallysex organs, they're like the lacy lingerie of the plant world. How? They help plants lure in pollinators to do the deed they cant do themselves — moving pollen from anther (part of the stamen) to pistil....and the rest is history. Bet you won't look at those VDAY roses in quite the same way now!

9. Burl-y Got Back

We'll leave you with this bootylicious tree burl to remind you that we're not so different from the natural world after all. Burls are unique tree growths that occur when a tree's natural grain has grown in an unusual manner. They commonly appear on tree trunks or branches as rounded outgrowths filled with small knots. Whatever the reason, we think they look pretty cool. And after all, trees, just like people, come in all shapes and sizes and deserve to be loved just as they are! 

Thank you for taking this dirty journey with us for Valentine's Day. If you've realized that you're ecosexual or just really love nature, then let's work together to take care of our amazing planet. That way, we can continue to gawk at all of her mysterious wonders for lifetimes to come. 

But really, are Valentine's Day trees a thing? You betcha! We've got wood and so can you. Ditch the paper Valentine's Day cards this year and send your loved ones an e-card that plants a tree!

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